Girls soccer or dogfighting?

Hey y'all,

I want to talk to y'all about a recent experience at a 7 year old girls soccer game. I found myself next to a man, who looked like a relative of the Texas Chainsaw massacre family, smoking a pack of cigarettes in his fold-out chair. Before the game began, the first words out of this bastard's mouth, were "Are you ready for a whompin'?" As if that were not bad enough, the jerk proceeded to cheer his team by yelling things like "Kick it at number 2's head!", "Take her out!" and a lot more idiotic commands. Luckily, it seemed most of the time, the girls on the field did not hear this dipshit. I think he was disappointed he had a girl instead of a pit bull.

Rock out.

Paperwork

Hi y'all,
It's been a while. Today I want to talk about something that's not so near and dear but actually a bit of a pain in the ass. Paperwork. We all hate filing taxes. We all hate filling out insurance forms and loan applications. Paperwork sucks. It's time-consuming and boring. I've found that not all companies and organisations are equal in this regard. Here are what the better ones are doing to make this a less painful experience:
1) On-line forms. This will save time and effort in entering, storing, retrieving and above all copying since a lot of times, you just want to renew or adjust something not re-apply for it.
2) Telephone service - with a person. Isn't it nice when the company has a person that can actually copy/paste information for you?
3) On-line statements/other information - saving some trees is always good.
4) Minimizing the information needed. Why do you need my 3rd grade teacher's name to apply for a $1000 certificate of deposit? And for God's sake stop asking my ethnicity when I apply for this crap. None of your fricking business.
5) Perform basic services without requiring a form at all. Ahh... how I love debit cards. Paypal is handy as well.

Worst offenders on the paperwork front: Local/state/federal governments, doctors/dentists, schools, and mortgage companies.

Bluetooth guy

Alright, call me a dinosaur. I don't want to be bluetooth guy. You know, that asshole that looks like he's talking to an invisible person, while sitting at the table next to you in a peaceful restaurant. And the worst part about this pompous bastard is that he's gesturing madly, and his only audience is the uninterested patrons that were unlucky enough to be there when he made his table selection. And the poor waitresses that have to deal with these jerk-offs who think their little business call is an excuse to not deal with the real physical world around them. I say make them pay up front if they have one of those I-am-the-borg headsets on their when they come in. Rock out.

Bad news is not always bad

As a friend of mine, a shipping clerk name Maurice, used to say, "You gotta clean your own mess... and some that ain't yours, too." This is simple advice akin to what you'd read in "All I Really Need to Know I Learned in Kindergarten" by Robert Fulgham. It's like politicians. They inherit the problems from the guy in office before them. And anyone in any job really. Maurice shared a story of an incident that occured at the factory he works at. He was helping the plant manager expedite a shipment of product to an important client. He loaded the pallet in the front of the shipping lane leading to the dock in order to ensure that the lane didn't become blocked with normal loading/unloading. In other words, he planned ahead. He stepped into the breakroom for a second, to get a Twix to keep his blood sugar up, and when he stepped out, to his horror, he observed Raul, the fork truck drive proceed to plow over the pallet in his souped-up electric fork truck. Needless to say, the product was destroyed. Now Maurice could have walked away, hoped Raul would work it out with a supervisor and continued about his business. But instead, he cleaned up the mess. He reported Raul to the shift supervisor for reckless forktrucking, and called the program manager on the account to let her know that the product had been damaged. Conveying bad news is usually the toughest part of any job. The program manager was so impressed with Maurice's courage that she took him out to lunch. So before you shirk that necessary but unpleasant encounter at work, think of Maurice and be strong. Rock out.

Scraped knees

Alright, I'm not gonna lie. I've probably had a higher than average amount of minor injuries. Scraped knees, cut fingers, bruises and the like. Not a lot of major ones. And dammit, ya know I never wore a seat belt as a kid. Never even heard of bicycle "helmets" or "knee pads" when skateboarding. Our overprotective whiny-assed culture has marketed this crap to parents with the fear that junior might (gasp) get a "boo-boo". Suck it up, dammit. The fear culture has expanded with widespread media coverage of "missing children". Now we are being told to put leashes on them at the supermarket and implant chips in them so we can track them. Give the paranoia a rest. MOST kids that "disappear" are killed and disposed of by their caregiver. Oh, I get it, so if you are not the sole caregiver, shove a nanny-cam up the kid's teddybear's ass and see if she's putting out cigarettes on junior's forehead. Got find another use for those bluetooth webcams whose resolution is too crappy for internet chat. Marketing geniuses. Rock out.

The recession is not working

The recession is not doing its job. Now what, you may ask, is the job of a recession? Is it some Darwinian device in a market economy to kill off weak companies and products? Maybe... but that's not what I'm talking about. The job of which I speak is that of PARENT. Huh??? You crazy, Rock, you might say. But I'm serious. Kids these days are feeling ENTITLED to everything from video games, designer clothes, cell phones, you name it. No need to get off their lazy butts and achieve anything. And these busy parents are off buying this stuff. But what will these kids do when the gravy train is gone? Daddy wouldn't take the party funds away, but the wreakonomy will! Mommy wouldn't cut off the cell phone minutes, but uncle Rex-cession will!

If it ain't broke...

An old buddy of mine, let's call him Raul the fork truck driver, has an expression that is especially relevant to these troubled economic times. "If it ain't broke, break it." This sounds a bit counter intuitive and I know the connection is not immediate here, but trust me, you're gonna get this. The economy is dependent on the flow of money, products and services. When things spiral downhill, people buy less products and services. Companies cut costs, people lose jobs. People then can buy even less products and services. And so on. To prevent and get out of death spirals like this, something needs to stimulate the economy. One approach is to throw some money and see how much it will spin the wheels. Sort of like push-starting an old diesel car. Pop the clutch and the engine may kick in. Another way to look at it is to stimulate the "demand" side. Yep. hard to do with broke, scared, or stingy people. "Break it." In this case, break the comfort people have battening down the hatches. Give them a reason not to want something, but to need it. No, I'm not talking about a stupid TV converter. No one needs to see commercial-laden programming like the Tyra Banks show. But how can we convince people they need to buy something? Certainly not by getting nerdy spokespeople to lecture us on how we can save the planet. Tell people their DOG will die if they don't go buy some doggie health food right away. Tell them they will get a serious illness if they don't immediately go to their local bar and have a few drinks. Tell them their kids will become parent abusers if they don't immediately enroll them in gymnastics, swimming, or whatever. It's broke. Now go fix it. That'll get the money flowing. Rock out.

What race are you?

Hey y'all. I a little tired of telephone surveyors trying to collect information, and especially when they ask my race. Here's how I deal with them.
Caller: "My name is Mike. I am conducting a marketing research study. Are you at least 18 years of age?"
Rock: "I sure hope so. If not I shouldn't be drinking this 40. (belches)
Caller: "What race would you say you are, Anglo, Black or African, Asian, Hispanic, or Other?"
Rock: "I don't know, what race would YOU say I am?"
Caller: "I don't know, sir,"
Rock: "What race are you? You have my phone number. Can I have yours?"
Caller: "Sir, I am working for and I collecting marketing information to help companies deliver better products and services..."
Rock: "So you need to know what race I am? What products are your clients trying to target to me and my (mumble indiscernably) family? "
Caller: "I'm sorry, sir, did you that you are Anglo?"
Rock: "What??? What are you, a racist? What's the matter, was I 'talking white'?"
Caller: "No, no sir. I'm sorry. So then you are black?"
Rock: "I think you best move on to the next question."
Caller: "How likely are you to watch the following TV shows on a scale of 1 to 5 with 5 being very likely and 1 being not at all likely: First, 'American Idol.'"
Rock: "Zero, next question."
Caller: "Sir, it's a scale of one to five."
Rock: "I don't care about your scale."
Caller: "OK, next 'Desperate Housewives.'"
Rock. "Zero. "
Caller: "I have to use a scale of one to five."
Rock: "OK, how would you rate this TV show: 'Death of a telemarketer?'"
Caller: "Sir, please... Can we continue?"
Rock: "Oh... Can we? Pleeease? I'll give you a swig of my 40."
Caller: "The next program: Big Brother."
Rock: "Oh, yeah.... Is that the show where the guys with spandex fly around in a spaceship?"
Caller: "No sir, this is a reality show."
Rock: "You mean that was a real spaceship? I swear a couple of times it looked like a toy. I mean you can see the strings and everything."
Caller: "No, you are confused. "
Rock: "I'm sorry, what did you say your name is?"
Caller: "Mike. So let's move on..."
Rock: "He won't eat it. Let's get Mikey. Step up to the Mike. Be Like Mike. " (mumbling followed by snoring)
Caller: "Sir, are you still there?"
Rock: (still snoring... mumbles.) "who said that?"
Caller: "Sir, can we continue?"
Rock: "Ma, is that you? Ma?? "
Caller: "Sir. This is Mike with . "
Rock: "Ma, why? Why did you drive your wheelchair into that volcano?"
(click. dial tone.)

Copy and paste uniqueness

I just heard that Joe Satriani (the guitarist for those who do not know) is planning to sue Coldplay (the soft-rock band whose lead singer Chris Martin is married to Gwyneth Paltrow) for a song in which the guitar riff is amazingly similar to a Satriani song. I'd have to say that this is one area where it seems ambiguous as to how to define originality. Guitar riffs seem recycled all across the many generations of rock, and even into punk, country, pop etc. You can even extrapolate that into snippets of piano or any other melody used. And unless the two songs are contemporary competitors (released at around the same time) then the whole lawsuit thing is just a publicity stunt. I'd have to say there is probably rampant copying, recycling and reprocessing in the music business. It's hard to find anything that is truly "original". You've got "sampling" and "mixing" in the hip-hop world, that by definition use the work of other musicians. You've got artists recording "covers", "tributes", "re-releases". Why? Well I for one will admit that it is certainly more efficient to peddle a known commodity than to gamble on something new. It's the McDonalds syndrome. No matter how generic or inferior, it is predictable and ubiquitous. The bean-counters are better able to project the profit margin. Even musicians that start their career outside the mainstream usually end up sacrificing uniqueness to appeal to a broader audience with a shorter attention span. So how do you foster creativity and innovation? Instead of buying the pick of the week from iTunes, search blogs and other informal sources. Find the local music scene in your area. Talk to the unsigned bands about music they recommend. Your ears will thank you. Rock out.

Patience R.I.P.

In this instant gratification society, with mobile banking, satellite radio (so we don't have to wait for commercials), drive thru everything, microwave food, home delivery, TiVo, on-demand movies, the concept of patience has no home. In fact, I'd say it's been homeless and missing so long that it should be presumed dead.

Take the age-old practice of fishing. No, not the professional kind. Just the take-the-kids-to-the-pond activity. This is supposed to be relaxing, and above all FUN. But how do you convince kids to peel themselves away from their playstations long enough? And even if the go, how do you keep them from dragging along their "DS" or if they're a bit older, their mobile phones? And the kicker - how do you teach the lesson that untangling a line with a $2.00 lure is worthwhile even though you can buy another just like it at Walmart? I took the kids out on such an excursion recently, and I have to say it was eye-opening. There were no fish being caught, either due to the time of day, or the location and desires of the fish did not coincide with our plans. Their interest in rigging the line and casting quickly diminished and was replaced by a rock chucking competition, some sword-fighting with driftwood and some mud-splashing. But in their defense, this was one of those rare weekends when I could peel myself away from my express-brewed coffee and laptop long enough to take them to the pond. Maybe I'll try building a campfire with them next time. Just need my instant light logs and pre-bundled firewood. Oh, and pre-skewered marshmallows. Rock out.

Rock's Super Bowl Tea

For all y'all who don't know what to drink at the superbowl:

Rock's Super bowl tea:
fill pint glass with ice then add
1 shot tequila blanco (100% Agave)
1 shot bourbon (sour mash)
1 shot dark rum
1 and 1/2 shots red bull
1/2 shot cola
Wedge of lime

Enjoy...

Justice is served

Yep,
They voted that dumbass Rod Blagojevich out of office. This link says it all:
http://www.dickipedia.org/dick.php?title=Rod_Blagojevich

Check it out. This guy is beyond an ass.

Rock out.

Education

Folks,
Today I want to talk about our education system in this country. I know we have more immediate concerns... that we are leveraged to the hilt and the economy is still in the crapper. The US is like a 21-year old alcoholic, sitting at a craps table with credit cards maxed out. China is the casino. But I'm not quite sure if the problem with education is really about the schools themselves. Everyone likes to blame the teachers, the schools system, the funding. Need a throat to choke. There's only so much teaching you can do to a pack of sugar-fed spoiled entitlement culture kids. And you know where I'm heading. It's not just our advertising-based society. Can't blame the advertisers for being effective at pushing crap to people that they don't need. That's their JOB. It's those overworked parents who work harder to make a few more bucks to buy a few more things to shut their kids up which only makes them want more. More i-pods, Wii's, PS3s. More HDTVs, blue-rays, laptops. More Abercrombie, Hollister, Aeropostale. More electronic babysitters. I'll tell you when I started paying attention to the presidential election this past year. The Obama campaign clued into a note that was struck by a speech he made while campaigning in the primaries : “It’s not good enough for you to say to your child, ‘Do good in school,’ and then when that child comes home, you got the TV set on, you got the radio on, you don’t check their homework, there is not a book in the house, you’ve got the video game playing.” Damn straight man. Rock out.

Those dumb hair removal ads

Now I've heard women say they need some kind of miracle surgical hair removal, or else they have to pluck, shave or wax some part of their body. And as a guy who tends to get a five o'clock shadow by around noon, I started thinking Do guys actually consider this as an alternative to shaving? Especially those high-performing corporate types that can use the extra five minutes to cook up some big deals, fire some people and shmooze with some politicians. But then I thought, no, even these guys bypass this obvious time-saver. Why? It's simple. Growing facial hair, while sometimes inconvenient, tells us we are men. Shaving is a daily ritual rite of passage. As young boys, we were denied this right, just as we were denied our dad's stack of playboys, smokes, booze, and other guilty pleasures (although we may have snuck into these). When we became men, the last thing on our minds is eliminating that raw, sometimes gorilla-like appearance that reminds us who we are. If I ever get lost in a jungle for a week, and have to rig a shelter, and bow and arrow for hunting, I want to at least have a little beard when I make it to civilization.

Entrapment

Hey guys, let's talk about entrapment. No, not the movie although that is a good movie. I'm talking about a particular situation involving your girlfriend, wife, etc.
Per Wikipedia, Entrapment is the act of a law enforcement agent inducing a person to commit an offence which the person would otherwise have been unlikely to commit. Now I'm not talking about major offences here, just those sticky little situations. The most common is when your female counterpart asks one of those Catch-22 questions. A good example of one of these is, "Are my boobs too small?" or "Do you wish my ass were smaller?" These questions are never good for relationships. But here's how you handle them. Go to your mirror and practice saying this, "No! Honey, you are the perfect woman. Why mess with perfection?" Practice it enough to get rid of the awkward pause. Practice it in the context of clothes, body parts, or any other attribute she might throw at you. It must be quick and sincere. No stumbles, or Freudian slips. An even trickier act of entrapment is when she asks your opinion on another woman. Now no matter how attractive that other woman is, do not fall for this. Again, the practice. Here, your response is more like "No way, doesn't interest me at all, now, where were we?" The purpose of your automatic reply here is to quickly dismiss the suggestion that you are interested in her competitor and escape the trap. A pause or too detailed of a response will surely hang you on this one. Now get to practicing. Rock out.

Chili

Let's talk chili. Now I've been to some chili cook-offs, and the disturbing trend is that people have expanded the definition beyond all reason. You can't combine soy cubes, beans and alfredo sauce and call it chili. That's false advertising. It's like grabbing the hood ornament off a Bentley to put on your ragged out Cutlass. It's still a ragged out Cutlass. My primary rule for chili is that it must contain the following: meat, chili powder, salt. Beyond that, there are many recommended ingredients, but I don't want to give away any winning recipes just yet. Now here are some things that chili should not contain: rice, soy cubes, noodles, mayonnaise. It's ok to cook something inedible and keep it to yourself. Just don't call it chili.

All you can eat pancakes?

Hi readers,

I want to talk about a recent experience I had while dining at a well established pancake restaurant. The special was "all you can eat pancakes." This seems like a fair deal, after all, the price is very reasonable. And it is a good deal, but you have set expectations when you order this. Here's the tactic. The pancakes generally come with some sides, like flavorless eggs and puny slices of bacon. And on the first serving, they bring you... TWO pancakes. Now there are probably a lot of individuals that stop after the first two, given the long wait and the expectation that you will have to wait again if you want any more. And granted they are pretty big, so you will not be really hungry after eating these. But that's missing the point. They say "all you can eat."

I have certainly been around the "all you can eat" block and was familiar with their tactics, so I was prepared to make my voice heard. Start by setting the expectation that you will need more early in the meal. The reliance on the waitress to return is a key factor on these deals. Always be polite and establish a rapport. It helps if you add something like, "I know how busy you are," even if you are the only customer in the restaurant. Waitresses/waiters always seem to be busy.

On this particular occasion, I wasn't feeling as hungry as usual, and so I asked if I could have ONE more pancake as I had done the good deed of cleaning my plate.

The waitress must have thought that I was being a pest or that I was going to torture her by asking for one more pancake several times. When she returned, she set down a stack of FIVE big pancakes. Well, of course, I sent her back to get me a to-go box.

Here's a suggestion to improve this all you can eat experience. I call it the two-minute warning. The customer has a device with buttons for 1, 2, or 3 additional pancakes. When the button is pressed, a two-minute clock is started, alerting the staff to provide the requisite number of pancakes. I mean let's modernize a bit. I'm not asking for a conveyor or vacuum tube to shoot the pancakes in one of those little cylinders, although... that would be cool. Rock out.

Sports

Hey all you sports fans,
Today I want to talk about sports etiquette. And no, not the Miss Manners rules of arranging your silverware. I'm talking about when a buddy invites you over to watch a game on his new big screen TV. Just a few rules to observe.

1) Show up on time. That does not mean an hour early. Unless it's the Super Bowl.
2) Bring beer. I know some of you are wine or liquor drinkers, or "on the wagon". Just bring it.
3) If you do drink beer, bring enough for at least two people. The rudest thing in the world is to be a guest and only serve yourself.
4) Bring small bills for pizza ordering. Don't pull the crap of how you never carry cash, only credit cards for everything. No one cares about your credit card points for free gear at the Bass Pro Shop. Get cash.
5) If you miss a big play because you were in the bathroom, do not ask everyone to recount what happened. Chances are they will show a replay. If they don't, you can bet someone will feel compelled to re-enact the play.
6) If you get up to get a beer (assuming you do not have a cooler strategically located), ask if anyone else would like one. It's called courtesy. Learn it.

Well, I'll let you get back to you pregame analysis shows. Go SPURS!

Today I want to talk about gender-specific marketing. I've noticed lately that a lot of advertising on television geared toward women seems to also include the ape-like bumbling husband or boyfriend that just "doesn't get it." Make no mistake that this mildly entertaining tactic is no different than any other ridiculous play at... that's right your (if you are female) EGO. Yes, for men the marketers can grab your inflated self-love by tapping simple carnal desires (girls, greasy food, alcohol, horsepower) or by challenging your manhood. For women, the subtle difference is that marketers have to appeal to your ego on a "relational" basis. And what better way in a 30-second spot than to have a drooling cretin to compare you to. YOU are rational and will buy this product. HE is a moron and does not even know about it. It seems then that women are more prone to appreciate compliments to their intelligence, judgment and wisdom. Or maybe the marketers know that many purchases that generally support family welfare or comfort MUST be left up to the women. Because, to some degree they are right. Why do we need "matching" towels and rugs? Why do we need two comforters, and fifteen pillows on the bed? Why do we need a variety of flavorings to add to our coffee when we are barely awake enough to pour it into a cup? I just don't get it...

Cutting costs versus being cheap

Hey all you consumers,
You've all heard the expression "The customer is always right." And I just don't think that companies believe that anymore. It was a fad. Take cost-cutting. Yes the economy is in the crapper right now. Yes the bottom line is probably red. But just how much is Chik-Fil-A saving by replacing the packaged salsa with that faky vinegar hot sauce? And how much is the post office saving by pissing its customers off by not having pens around? What ever happened to those chains they could attach if they were so worried that theft of $0.05 pens was going to become an epidemic? And one of the dumbest policies has to be that of Panda Express. No free napkins unless you make the customer ask for them. Then give the chump one napkin and see how much he is willing to humiliate himself to make a scene to get a few more. C'mon, people. Round my rice bowl up the extra 5 cents already and throw in the napkin. Oh, that's BAAAD for the environment. It takes TREES to make napkins. Well, you know what. It takes trees to print all those stupid-ass coupons they "give" you with your receipt at the grocery store, but you don't see them cutting down on those, no sir. Well this consumer say NO MORE to cost cutting that goes beyond the reasonable. In the immortal words of Spongebob, "Don't you get it, you crustaceous cheapskate?" Just my thoughts.

Value in action

Hey all you dedicated workers -- those that trade their efforts, physical and mental, for money to survive and thrive. I've been thinking about the value we get in return for all that. We usually measure it in terms of dollars and cents and the equivalent materials and services that we can purchase with it. A lucky few, relatively speaking, can also measure the return on their contribution in human terms, that is, live affected in some way by their efforts. The obvious professions come to mind: doctors, rescue workers, teachers, community leaders. But it's not just what you do in the working day that has this kind of value. We touch people's lives in small and large ways with every interaction. Comforting a child, calling a friend who is hurting, helping a neighbor move a couch -- the sum of these makes a difference. But on the flipside, the things we do can make a negative difference. It's easy to turn a cold shoulder to those that we do not care for, especially those who we feel have wronged us. Once we put up that self-protecting skin, we close ourselves to the possibility that we are MORE needed by these people than by our dear ones. Just a thought...